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Offline ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #30 on: October 12, 2011, 04:44:33 PM »
Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time,a Prince asked a beautiful Princess-"Will you marry me?"The princess said-NO! and the prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching or paid alimony or child support and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


THE END
« Last Edit: October 12, 2011, 05:13:47 PM by ford832 »
I'd rather a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Offline xandyx

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #31 on: October 12, 2011, 06:54:53 PM »
Hahaha, that's a dream life man!!

Offline TMKIWI

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #32 on: October 12, 2011, 07:11:45 PM »
Sounds like me ford. ;D
Except for the "tons of money in the bank". :(
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline scotty dog

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #33 on: October 12, 2011, 07:30:50 PM »
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA...........That is brilliant ford........
F**K THE WHALES......................SAVE THE 2 STROKE!!!!

The hardest part about riding a 4 stroke is telling your parents your Gay!!

05 CR 250

Offline SachsGS

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #34 on: October 15, 2011, 09:03:26 AM »
Another true story....
 
 One of my customers was a rather eccentric character, originally from Hungary, who made his living making and selling incense. He would rent rooms to keep a roof over his head and was very much a free spirit.Every year like clockwork he would have me give his 650 Maxim a Spring tuneup.

 I received the call, the Hungarian sounding somewhat frantic, and headed out to the country east of my business.I had great difficulty finding the address but narrowed it down to an old cottage set back in the bush.From the road the property was all overgrown as though no yard work had been done in years.I spotted my customer down the driveway and it appeared he was arguing with an individual.

 This man was no ordinary individual as he was standing there in his boxxer shorts,nothing else, and was covered head to foot in tattoos - jailhouse tattoos.He really did resemble a lizard.I then drove down the driveway and found myself surrounded by a meticulously prepped 9 hole golf course.This just didn't make any sense.I then spotted something in my rearview mirror that made my heart stop.

 From my vantage point I had full view of the rear of the cottage and in every window I could see a certain "herb" growing the cultivation and sale of which is greatly frowned upon by authorities.

 It was time to get outta here!

 I quickly located the back end of the Yamaha sticking out of a shed while the Hungarian and the Lizardman continued to argue furiously and got the bike loaded.With the utmost in diplomacy I was able to separate the two men, grab my customer and leave without suffering any ventilation holes due to gunshots.

 A person can never predict what life will "throw" at you! :o :-X

Offline ford832

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #35 on: October 21, 2011, 07:58:32 AM »
I always sort of pictured you as a vintage machine hippy type Sachs.I never realized you had a "stash" though.Emig would be proud. :D
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
I'd rather a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Offline SachsGS

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #36 on: October 21, 2011, 01:30:02 PM »
I definitely chart my own course in life but I don't think "Hippy" is an accurate description, hippies were communal by nature and I am very much a "lone wolf". I love the design diversity of the vintage bikes but there are new machines in the shop as well.As for the "Stash" I hate any kind of smoking. :'(
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »

Offline ford832

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #37 on: October 21, 2011, 08:54:04 PM »
Hey,don't look at me.I quit months ago.I don't hate it though,I still would almost kill for one multiple times a day and to be where someone else is smoking,they smell sooooooooo goooooooooood.As a matter of fact right now the sun is up,it's calm and about 5'c,the leaves have turned multiple colours and I'd love to be sitting on the deck right now with a coffee and a smoke taking it all in.Instead,I'm sitting here trying to keep my mind occupied while I wait for my daughter to get ready to go to my fathers and build him a new front step.Man I want a smoke........ :(
As for you,maybe you're "lone hippie" :D
I can sympathize though,my wife says my only goal in life is to become a hermit.She's actually not far off  :)
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
I'd rather a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Offline ford832

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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
I'd rather a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Offline TMKIWI

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #39 on: October 28, 2011, 06:56:17 AM »
Ford?s all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." Ford bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Ford heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Ford bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
 ;D ;D
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline TMKIWI

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #40 on: October 28, 2011, 06:58:57 AM »
Dear Employees:



It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals

throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of

normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some

employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer

be tolerated.





We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to

accurately express your feelings when communicating with

colleagues.





Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have

been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue

in an effective manner.


1. Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy B*tch

3. Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off arse-wipe

5. Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8. Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9. Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline TMKIWI

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #41 on: October 28, 2011, 07:00:03 AM »
The Lord & The Biker

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
...

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up'Motorcycle Clubs' in the phone book.
Pleaseforward this warning to every male you know.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline TMKIWI

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #42 on: October 28, 2011, 09:57:32 AM »
This isn't a joke, its a medical announcement. I felt it was important to share.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.










A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck Under the right-front wheel arch.'

'................................................. .......... You there Boss?







The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline TMKIWI

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Saturday Humor
« Reply #43 on: October 28, 2011, 10:18:09 AM »
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a
'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline ford832

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« Reply #44 on: October 28, 2011, 11:20:43 AM »
Lol,I especially like the "try saying" one.
As for the bear stories,it could well be.I often feel I've been effed up the arse my whole life in one form or another :(  :D
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by ' »
I'd rather a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.