Saturday Humor

[TMKIWI]

The Lizard and the Monkey 
 
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER..........

           Marine  Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the
           radio the other day and you  have to read his reply to the
lady
           who interviewed him concerning guns and  children. Regardless
           of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love  this!!!!

           This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
a
           portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
           female  broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald
           who was about to sponsor a  Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military
           installation.

           FEMALE  INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
           are you going to teach these  young boys when they visit your
base?

           GENERAL  REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
           canoeing, archery, and  shooting.

           FEMALE  INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
           isn't  it?

           GENERAL  REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
           supervised on the rifle  range.

           FEMALE  INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
           dangerous activity to be  teaching children?

           GENERAL  REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
           them proper rifle discipline  before they even touch a
firearm.

           FEMALE  INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
           violent  killers.

           GENERAL  REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
           a prostitute, but you're not  one, are you?

           The radio went silent  and the interview ended.

           You  gotta love the  Marines!

And this one's for ford.

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps,
were a Kiwi guy, a Canadian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the loud sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
the Canadian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde
in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Canadian guy must  have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.

The Canadian thinks: The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde
in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Kiwi thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I
can smack that Canadian wanker again.

[TMKIWI]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
> She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
> front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
> wall.
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
> coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into  the
> room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
> The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
> first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
> remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
> thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
> "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming
> easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
> my car?"  "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a
> chair beside him.
> The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
> face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
> for 20 years?"
> "I remember that too" she replies softly.
> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
> "I would have gotten out today."

ZIPPER


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a
beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for
bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to
the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't! .

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more,
and for the second time attempted the step. Once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch
my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,
normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."


Several men are in the locker room of their golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man puts on the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the locker room stops and listens.

MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I am at the shopping centre and have found a beautiful leather
coat and it's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it.

MAN: Go ahead buy it if you like it so much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
model. I really like it. Can I buy it?

MAN: How much was it?

WOMAN: £40,000.

MAN: OK, but for that price get it with all the extras.

WOMAN: Wonderful! Oh, an one more thing - the house we wanted last year is back on the market and they're asking £999,999.00.

MAN: Well go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000.00.

WOMAN: Wonderful!. I'll see you later. I LOVE YOU.

MAN: Bye, I LOVE YOU TOO.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks - "Anyone know who this mobile belongs to"?

[ford832]

Hahahahahaha.too funny.I especially like the Marine one-lol 
I'll have to try to remember a few-most of what I remember are too off colour.It occurred to me a while back that the net has become the death of oral joke telling.You just don't hear them at work or out and around like you used to years ago-too bad.

[Swimr2DaResQ]

You just made my day!!!

[Charles Owens]

Hahahaha. Nice.

[socalcajun]

Good stuff.

[Coop]

 

[SachsGS]

It was a beautiful summer morning and a traveling salesman was taking a shortcut down a back country road in the American midwest.The rumbleseat Ford's flathead four is just a humming away when he comes upon a strange sight - a farmer taking a three legged pig out for a walk.The salesman jams on the brakes,selects reverse and backs up to the farmer and his pig.

 "Good morning partner,say why does your pig only have three legs?".

 "Well sonny let me tell ya: I went to the auction a few weeks a go and bought this here pig and   brought it home.I put the critter in a pen and no sooner does the dang thing start a thumpin it's snout on the ground.Well this got me a thinkin so I grabbed a shovel and started diggin in that very spot.Well in no time oil is a gushin up so I stuck him in a different pen.No sooner is that dang pig thumpin his snout agin,I dig and more oil.This goes on three more times till I finally found a place to stickim  where there is no oil. Well with all that oil I'm filthy rich and can do all the farmin I want."

 With that the farmer begins to continue his walk with the pig.

 "But excuse me sir,you still haven't told me why your pig only has three legs?".

 And to that the farmer replies:"Well any pig this good you don't eat him all at once!".

[ford832]

Lol.I always liked that one,it appears we share the sense of humour Have you ever noticed how the punch line is sometimes met with a blank stare? peasants.....

[xX JonthE Xx]

[ford832]

Years ago in a medieval town somewhere,the local priest posts a notice in the town square for a bell ringer. After a few days a knock comes to the door of the church.When the priest answers it he sees a man with no arms.Yes my son?-he says.I've come to apply for the bell ringer position says the man.The priest looks him over and says-thank you very much but honestly,as the bell ringer has to pull the rope to ring the bell,and you have no arms,I'm afraid it's impossible.
No problem says the man,I can still do it.I really need this job so could you please let me try?
Well,alright says the priest-feeling sorry for the man.
Up they go to the bell tower where the man walks around the bell sizing it up.Eventually,he walks up to it,takes a couple deep breaths and slams his head into the bell.The bell makes a faint "ding" sound.
After ensuring the man is ok,the priest says-thanks for trying but it has to be really loud,otherwise no one in town will here it and know when to come to service.
No,wait,please,says the man,that was just a warm up-let me try again.
Feeling sorry for him,the priest agrees.
This time,the man stands a couple feet away and jumps at the bell while swinging his head in to it-then falls to the ground dazed.The bell makes only a slightly louder "ding" sound.
After helping the man to his feet the priest thanks him for his efforts but,being concerned for his safety,tells him he thinks he's seen enough.
Oh please,says the man,without this job I have no way have to support my family-just let me have one last try-I promise I can do it this time.
Very well,says the priest,but this is the very last time.
This time,the man walks to the far end of the bell tower and runs at the bell as fast as his legs will carry him.At the last second he leaps into the air head first and sails past the side of the bell,through the window and lands on the cobblestones below.
As the priest rushes down from the tower a crowd gathers to see who the dead man is.
After the priest gives him last rites,the people in the crowd,not recognizing the man,ask the priest-who was this man father?
The priest looks up and says-You know,I never did know his name,but his face rings a bell.

Two part joke-pt 2 to follow tomorrow,I'm getting typed out

[TMKIWI]

>        Just when you thought you heard it all!
>
> Two Hunters from Canada (a true story).
> This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Canada:
>
> A guy named Ford buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500 and has $560
> monthly payments.
>
> Ford and Sachs go duck hunting in the winter, and of course all the
> lakes are frozen over. These two guys go out on the lake with their
> guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle. They drive out onto the lake
> ice and get
> ready.
>
> Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
> ducks,something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole
> large
> enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land
> on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
> So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
> a short, 40-second fuse.
>
> Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they
> want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
> where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want
> to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning
> fuse and possibly
> go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse
> and throw the dynamite.
>
> "Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
> guns, and the DOG!!
>
> Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
> RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
>
> You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the
> ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse
> about the time it hits the ice.
>
> Ford & Sachs yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The
> dog, cheered on, keeps coming. Ford grabs the shotgun and
> shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big
> enough to stop a Black Lab.
>
> The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another
> shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
> of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
>
> The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men
> continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still
> hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes
> off after his master.
>
> Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom
> of
> the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there
> with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
>
> The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
> use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still has yet to make the first of
> those
> $560.00 a month payments!!!
>
>
> And you thought your day was not going well!!

[ford832]

Lol,not actually true-just an urban legend.NZ-er's are so naive
Besides,I'm just a mechanic.I'd be hard pressed to afford 1 payment
Mythbusters did a piece on that very thing a few years ago but I forget now whether it worked or not.It seems to me it didn't.

[ford832]

Ok,pt. 2

The priest goes and posts another notice in the town square.After a few days,a knock comes to the door.When the priest opens it,he's shocked to see the same no-armed man standing there.This is impossible he says,I just buried you a few days ago!
No,no says the man,that was my idiot twin brother-he never could do anything right.Also,I'm here to apply for the bell ringer job.
I'm so sorry says the priest but your brother already tried,it's just not possible to ring the bell properly without pulling on the rope.
As I said,says the man,my brother was an idiot.I guarantee I can do it.Reluctantly,the priest agrees.
I'll pass over the first two tries here as I'm tired of typing but it's the exact same as the first guy.Anyway.........
On the last try he runs at the bell and launches himself at it headfirst-missing it by a hair and sailing out through the window to the cobble stones below.
When the priest rushes down he finds a crowd gathering and they ask him-who was this man father?
The priest replies-You know,I never knew his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

Confess.How many of you didn't get either of them?

[citabjockey]

On another subject...

An Irishman walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for 3 shots of Irish whiskey. Bartender poors the shots. The Irishman drinks them, pays the tab and leaves. Next day same thing. 3 shots, pays and then leaves. This goes on for several days when the Bartender says "you know, I can put all three of those shots into a single glass". The Irishman says "Oh, thank you, no. Its  my brothers - they are overseas for a long time. So you see, this shot is for Finnegan, this is for Fergus and this shot, well its for me. its like we are having a drink together".

This goes on week after week until one day the the Irishman arrives and orders two shots.
The bartender says "whats wrong... somethings wrong... everything ok?" and the Irishman says "OH NO NO no no no... my brothers, they are just fine - no worries"

"Its just that I decided to quit drinking".