Post by: TMKIWI on July 08, 2011, 03:51:24 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER..........
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the
radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the
lady
who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless
of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military
installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your
base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
And this one's for ford. :P
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps,
were a Kiwi guy, a Canadian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the loud sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
the Canadian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old Greek lady thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde
in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Canadian guy must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
The Canadian thinks: The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde
in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Kiwi thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I
can smack that Canadian wanker again.
Post by: TMKIWI on July 08, 2011, 04:20:28 PM
> She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
> front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
> wall.
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
> coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
> room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
> The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
> first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
> remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
> thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
> "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming
> easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
> my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a
> chair beside him.
> The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
> face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
> for 20 years?"
> "I remember that too" she replies softly.
> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
> "I would have gotten out today."
ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a
beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for
bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to
the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't! .
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more,
and for the second time attempted the step. Once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch
my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,
normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."
Several men are in the locker room of their golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man puts on the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the locker room stops and listens.
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes
WOMAN: I am at the shopping centre and have found a beautiful leather
coat and it's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it.
MAN: Go ahead buy it if you like it so much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
model. I really like it. Can I buy it?
MAN: How much was it?
WOMAN: £40,000.
MAN: OK, but for that price get it with all the extras.
WOMAN: Wonderful! Oh, an one more thing - the house we wanted last year is back on the market and they're asking £999,999.00.
MAN: Well go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000.00.
WOMAN: Wonderful!. I'll see you later. I LOVE YOU.
MAN: Bye, I LOVE YOU TOO.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks - "Anyone know who this mobile belongs to"?
Post by: ford832 on July 09, 2011, 04:44:30 AM
I'll have to try to remember a few-most of what I remember are too off colour.It occurred to me a while back that the net has become the death of oral joke telling.You just don't hear them at work or out and around like you used to years ago-too bad.
Post by: Swimr2DaResQ on July 09, 2011, 09:19:58 AM
Post by: Charles Owens on July 09, 2011, 09:31:49 AM
Post by: socalcajun on July 09, 2011, 12:30:06 PM
Post by: Coop on July 09, 2011, 08:18:36 PM
Post by: SachsGS on July 10, 2011, 06:45:00 AM
"Good morning partner,say why does your pig only have three legs?".
"Well sonny let me tell ya: I went to the auction a few weeks a go and bought this here pig and brought it home.I put the critter in a pen and no sooner does the dang thing start a thumpin it's snout on the ground.Well this got me a thinkin so I grabbed a shovel and started diggin in that very spot.Well in no time oil is a gushin up so I stuck him in a different pen.No sooner is that dang pig thumpin his snout agin,I dig and more oil.This goes on three more times till I finally found a place to stickim where there is no oil. Well with all that oil I'm filthy rich and can do all the farmin I want."
With that the farmer begins to continue his walk with the pig.
"But excuse me sir,you still haven't told me why your pig only has three legs?".
And to that the farmer replies:"Well any pig this good you don't eat him all at once!". ;D
Post by: ford832 on July 10, 2011, 02:37:32 PM
Post by: xX JonthE Xx on July 10, 2011, 02:41:41 PM
Post by: ford832 on July 10, 2011, 04:40:34 PM
No problem says the man,I can still do it.I really need this job so could you please let me try?
Well,alright says the priest-feeling sorry for the man.
Up they go to the bell tower where the man walks around the bell sizing it up.Eventually,he walks up to it,takes a couple deep breaths and slams his head into the bell.The bell makes a faint "ding" sound.
After ensuring the man is ok,the priest says-thanks for trying but it has to be really loud,otherwise no one in town will here it and know when to come to service.
No,wait,please,says the man,that was just a warm up-let me try again.
Feeling sorry for him,the priest agrees.
This time,the man stands a couple feet away and jumps at the bell while swinging his head in to it-then falls to the ground dazed.The bell makes only a slightly louder "ding" sound.
After helping the man to his feet the priest thanks him for his efforts but,being concerned for his safety,tells him he thinks he's seen enough.
Oh please,says the man,without this job I have no way have to support my family-just let me have one last try-I promise I can do it this time.
Very well,says the priest,but this is the very last time.
This time,the man walks to the far end of the bell tower and runs at the bell as fast as his legs will carry him.At the last second he leaps into the air head first and sails past the side of the bell,through the window and lands on the cobblestones below.
As the priest rushes down from the tower a crowd gathers to see who the dead man is.
After the priest gives him last rites,the people in the crowd,not recognizing the man,ask the priest-who was this man father?
The priest looks up and says-You know,I never did know his name,but his face rings a bell.
Two part joke-pt 2 to follow tomorrow,I'm getting typed out :)
Post by: TMKIWI on July 10, 2011, 05:40:19 PM
>
> Two Hunters from Canada (a true story).
> This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Canada:
>
> A guy named Ford buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500 and has $560
> monthly payments.
>
> Ford and Sachs go duck hunting in the winter, and of course all the
> lakes are frozen over. These two guys go out on the lake with their
> guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle. They drive out onto the lake
> ice and get
> ready.
>
> Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
> ducks,something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole
> large
> enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land
> on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
> So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
> a short, 40-second fuse.
>
> Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they
> want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
> where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want
> to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning
> fuse and possibly
> go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse
> and throw the dynamite.
>
> "Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
> guns, and the DOG!!
>
> Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
> RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
>
> You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the
> ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse
> about the time it hits the ice.
>
> Ford & Sachs yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The
> dog, cheered on, keeps coming. Ford grabs the shotgun and
> shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big
> enough to stop a Black Lab.
>
> The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another
> shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
> of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
>
> The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men
> continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still
> hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes
> off after his master.
>
> Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom
> of
> the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there
> with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
>
> The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
> use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still has yet to make the first of
> those
> $560.00 a month payments!!!
>
>
> And you thought your day was not going well!!
Post by: ford832 on July 10, 2011, 05:56:59 PM
Besides,I'm just a mechanic.I'd be hard pressed to afford 1 payment :(
Mythbusters did a piece on that very thing a few years ago but I forget now whether it worked or not.It seems to me it didn't.
Post by: ford832 on July 11, 2011, 03:47:48 PM
The priest goes and posts another notice in the town square.After a few days,a knock comes to the door.When the priest opens it,he's shocked to see the same no-armed man standing there.This is impossible he says,I just buried you a few days ago!
No,no says the man,that was my idiot twin brother-he never could do anything right.Also,I'm here to apply for the bell ringer job.
I'm so sorry says the priest but your brother already tried,it's just not possible to ring the bell properly without pulling on the rope.
As I said,says the man,my brother was an idiot.I guarantee I can do it.Reluctantly,the priest agrees.
I'll pass over the first two tries here as I'm tired of typing but it's the exact same as the first guy.Anyway.........
On the last try he runs at the bell and launches himself at it headfirst-missing it by a hair and sailing out through the window to the cobble stones below.
When the priest rushes down he finds a crowd gathering and they ask him-who was this man father?
The priest replies-You know,I never knew his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother. :)
Confess.How many of you didn't get either of them? ;)
Post by: citabjockey on July 11, 2011, 05:04:27 PM
An Irishman walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for 3 shots of Irish whiskey. Bartender poors the shots. The Irishman drinks them, pays the tab and leaves. Next day same thing. 3 shots, pays and then leaves. This goes on for several days when the Bartender says "you know, I can put all three of those shots into a single glass". The Irishman says "Oh, thank you, no. Its my brothers - they are overseas for a long time. So you see, this shot is for Finnegan, this is for Fergus and this shot, well its for me. its like we are having a drink together".
This goes on week after week until one day the the Irishman arrives and orders two shots.
The bartender says "whats wrong... somethings wrong... everything ok?" and the Irishman says "OH NO NO no no no... my brothers, they are just fine - no worries"
"Its just that I decided to quit drinking".
Post by: TMKIWI on July 13, 2011, 09:58:10 PM
You have been warned.
AreYouARealCowboy.wmv (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvIlvItl5-A#)
Post by: ford832 on July 14, 2011, 02:25:07 PM
Post by: factoryX on July 14, 2011, 09:59:07 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on July 22, 2011, 03:21:21 PM
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Post by: TMKIWI on July 22, 2011, 03:51:09 PM
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Manhattan fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Post by: xX JonthE Xx on July 23, 2011, 12:07:56 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mexfj2c5hZY
Post by: TMKIWI on September 28, 2011, 12:58:35 PM
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Post by: ford832 on September 28, 2011, 04:55:52 PM
Post by: SachsGS on September 29, 2011, 09:07:27 AM
As the clouds parted over the Grand Banks off the coast of Newfoundland a space ship hovered over an unsuspecting fishermen rowing his boat.While the fisherman sang "Ize the boyz who rows the boat" little did he realize that overhead two green aliens were discussing his fate.
"Zlog, lets have some fun!" muttered the little green alien as he peered down on the fisherman.
"No way!The last time I listened to you I was locked up for a Zlingyen light year!" his co-pilot replied to Zlig.
"Ah come on.Last time it was so much fun frying that earthling's brains".
(Unknown to the aliens the 43rd president of the United States did indeed survive the attack.)
With that Zlig proceeded to pull out the stun gun,set it at 1/4 brain evaporation and,aiming at the spot at the rear of the fisherman's head just below his hat,pulled the trigger.
"No Zlig!" uttered Zlog as the fisherman froze,comatose,for a period of 30 seconds.
"I'ze the boyz who rows the boat" began to trickle in over the microphone as Zlig,surprised at the durability of the earthling,set the gun to 1/2.
"Zlig,you will permanently damage the earthling's brain at that setting!".It didn't matter for he had already pulled the trigger.The blast threw the fisherman into the rear of the boat,knocking him out for a full two minutes.
"I'ze the boyz that rows the boat" once again began to trickle in over the microphone.Zlig was now on a mission to subdue this creature as he increased the setting to 3/4 and blasted the poor unsuspecting Newfoundler into oblivion.Smoke rose from his head as the fisherman was unconscious for a full 5 minutes.
"I'ze the boyz that rows the boat".
Enraged,his single yellow eye bulging from his green head,Zlig set the stun gun to max.
"No Zlig,you will entirely remove the earthling's brain at that setting" screamed Zlog as a flash of lighting emanated from the alien spaceship to the rowboat in the waters below.The blast once again knocked the fisherman into the rear of the boat, flopping like a fish and smoke billowing from his ears like a freight train.
The fisherman then lay quite still in the rowboat as the aliens fought in the space ship above.
Then,at first very faintly, and ,as he got up and began to row,the fisherman began to sing.
The aliens were utterly astounded that a creature could function without a brain
"Alouette,jaunte Alouette". :D
Post by: TMKIWI on September 29, 2011, 12:14:23 PM
Post by: ford832 on September 29, 2011, 03:18:18 PM
http://atlantic.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110928/tuna_record_110928/20110928/?hub=AtlanticHome (http://atlantic.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110928/tuna_record_110928/20110928/?hub=AtlanticHome)
Damn NZers :P
Post by: ford832 on October 01, 2011, 04:05:43 AM
the word fuck (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26UA578yQ5g#)
Post by: SachsGS on October 11, 2011, 07:26:32 AM
It was a warm late Spring day when a customer dropped off a Yamaha XS1100 for a tuneup.The Yammi was an older bike,saddlebags but no windscreen, and still in nice shape.After a little chit-chat the customer said goodbye and was on his way.I wheeled the old brute into the shop and let the Technicians have at her.
Spring turned into Summer and many messages later still no customer.It was late November,very cold and starting to snow when the Yamaha owner finally showed up at my door.He was dressed in a snowmobile suit and I could tell by the Michelin man silhouette that he had a few jackets stuffed underneath for good measure.He had an agitated look in his eyes,quickly paid his bill and proceeded to load belongings into the saddlebags of his bike.I told him it would take all of five minutes to load the bike into the shop truck and drive him home.The customer said he had to be in Fort MacMurray,Alberta the next morning for a job interview.
Fort MacMurray! The town was 1200 km's northeast of my shop! That would be like riding into the depths of Siberia in the middle of Winter!The customer then rode away into the falling snow.
I found out later that the man had assaulted his wife and when he showed up at my door the Police were in hot pursuit.
Update: I have recently received credible information that the fugitive is now living quietly in Atlantic Canada under an assumed identity,has remarried and has a young daughter, and is still riding Yamahas.... :-X
Post by: TMKIWI on October 11, 2011, 12:34:53 PM
Update: I have recently received credible information that the fugitive is now living quietly in Atlantic Canada under an assumed identity,has remarried and has a young daughter, and is still riding Yamahas.... :-X
;D ;D
Post by: ford832 on October 11, 2011, 01:51:59 PM
Post by: ford832 on October 12, 2011, 04:44:33 PM
Once upon a time,a Prince asked a beautiful Princess-"Will you marry me?"The princess said-NO! and the prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching or paid alimony or child support and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
THE END
Post by: xandyx on October 12, 2011, 06:54:53 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on October 12, 2011, 07:11:45 PM
Except for the "tons of money in the bank". :(
Post by: scotty dog on October 12, 2011, 07:30:50 PM
Post by: SachsGS on October 15, 2011, 09:03:26 AM
One of my customers was a rather eccentric character, originally from Hungary, who made his living making and selling incense. He would rent rooms to keep a roof over his head and was very much a free spirit.Every year like clockwork he would have me give his 650 Maxim a Spring tuneup.
I received the call, the Hungarian sounding somewhat frantic, and headed out to the country east of my business.I had great difficulty finding the address but narrowed it down to an old cottage set back in the bush.From the road the property was all overgrown as though no yard work had been done in years.I spotted my customer down the driveway and it appeared he was arguing with an individual.
This man was no ordinary individual as he was standing there in his boxxer shorts,nothing else, and was covered head to foot in tattoos - jailhouse tattoos.He really did resemble a lizard.I then drove down the driveway and found myself surrounded by a meticulously prepped 9 hole golf course.This just didn't make any sense.I then spotted something in my rearview mirror that made my heart stop.
From my vantage point I had full view of the rear of the cottage and in every window I could see a certain "herb" growing the cultivation and sale of which is greatly frowned upon by authorities.
It was time to get outta here!
I quickly located the back end of the Yamaha sticking out of a shed while the Hungarian and the Lizardman continued to argue furiously and got the bike loaded.With the utmost in diplomacy I was able to separate the two men, grab my customer and leave without suffering any ventilation holes due to gunshots.
A person can never predict what life will "throw" at you! :o :-X
Post by: ford832 on October 21, 2011, 07:58:32 AM
Post by: SachsGS on October 21, 2011, 01:30:02 PM
Post by: ford832 on October 21, 2011, 08:54:04 PM
As for you,maybe you're "lone hippie"
I can sympathize though,my wife says my only goal in life is to become a hermit.She's actually not far off
Post by: ford832 on October 22, 2011, 08:07:56 PM
I hate any kind of smoking. :'(
Yeah,now the truth comes out
A fair bit of smoking going on here.....http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=maico%20smoking&source=web&cd=6&ved=0CEUQtwIwBQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DfRmh3iDjAVs&ei=hPSjTsJTiO7SAZTK3IsH&usg=AFQjCNEhkZ2Spv0ZpIwrZ-gVKEMI0HkhjA&sig2=Ar9_xPwHUf5Xd30ifw3cVw&cad=rja
Hard to believe you don't like that.
Post by: TMKIWI on October 28, 2011, 06:56:17 AM
Ford heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Ford bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
Post by: TMKIWI on October 28, 2011, 06:58:57 AM
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some
employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer
be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with
colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2. Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy B*tch
3. Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off arse-wipe
5. Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6. Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7. Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8. Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9. Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10. Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12. Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13. Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Post by: TMKIWI on October 28, 2011, 07:00:03 AM
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
...
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up'Motorcycle Clubs' in the phone book.
Pleaseforward this warning to every male you know.
Post by: TMKIWI on October 28, 2011, 09:57:32 AM
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck Under the right-front wheel arch.'
'................................................. .......... You there Boss?
The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
Post by: TMKIWI on October 28, 2011, 10:18:09 AM
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a
'whatever').
(
Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Post by: ford832 on October 28, 2011, 11:20:43 AM
As for the bear stories,it could well be.I often feel I've been effed up the arse my whole life in one form or another
Post by: scotty dog on October 30, 2011, 07:08:03 PM
Post by: Kodackamera on October 31, 2011, 05:36:30 AM
Post by: SachsGS on November 23, 2011, 01:23:11 AM
"How long is the hair (hare?) on a rabbit's back?"
"About 2 and 1/2 seconds".
Post by: TMKIWI on November 23, 2011, 08:25:11 AM
Post by: Coop on November 23, 2011, 01:38:18 PM
.
Post by: SachsGS on November 24, 2011, 01:15:00 AM
Post by: Coop on November 24, 2011, 05:35:29 PM
.
Post by: ford832 on November 25, 2011, 01:56:04 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on November 25, 2011, 02:17:35 AM
> >>'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and
> > his
> >>technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
> >>done.'
> >>
> >>
> >> The Chief nodded in agreement.
> >>
> >> The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your
> >> opinion,
> >>where did the white man go wrong?'
> >>
> >> The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and
> > then
> >>calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes,
> >>no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
> >> Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day
> >>hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
> >>
> >> Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough
> >>to think he could improve system like that.'
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player .
Post by: Kodackamera on November 25, 2011, 04:50:43 PM
Post by: scotty dog on November 26, 2011, 01:32:24 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on November 30, 2011, 03:00:14 PM
Post by: SachsGS on February 10, 2012, 10:55:29 PM
Heartbroken, Anthony looked in the mirror.Years behind a desk had certainly wreaked havoc,his scalp was showing through and he had a gut the size of a large watermelon.Determined to rectify the bad situation he hit the gym with a vengeance and sought out the latest in hair restoration technology as well. Soon he looked like one of those guys in a Charles Atlas ad with a mop on his head that would make Fabio envious.
Anthony again approached the young legal assistant and, with a twinkle in her eye, she readily said yes.They arranged a time to meet and Anthony smiled at how lucky he now was.That night as he reached for her doorbell he was hit with a huge jammer like a thunderbolt from the sky.
As he crumpled to the ground the accountant looked upwards and cried out "Why, why me lord,oh why!"
All was still for a moment and then two clouds parted slightly.
An enormous voice bellowed from the heavens:"Sorry bud, I didn't recognize you at first".
Post by: TMKIWI on February 11, 2012, 08:52:40 AM
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
Table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
On a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
Gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were
Wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... Mmm ....... Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
Pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
Have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... Built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
To assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
Quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
With your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
About your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker
Post by: cnrcpla on February 11, 2012, 11:41:13 PM
Post by: factoryX on February 24, 2012, 06:35:26 PM
Well, I found it funny. Wear a full face helmet, and if you do get impaled by an object, leave it in or you will cause more bleeding.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Having a laugh - Oregon State Troopers, Good, Better, Best
GOOD A Bend ,Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
Post by: cnrcpla on February 24, 2012, 08:01:36 PM
I wish speeding tickets were only $40 though
Post by: SachsGS on February 25, 2012, 01:08:25 AM
I'd like to let a few of those mice go in my nieghbour's house.
Post by: ford832 on March 23, 2012, 01:52:21 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on March 23, 2012, 07:07:46 AM
He forgot to mention the need for lots of badly done tattoo's.
Post by: factoryX on April 10, 2012, 01:56:40 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on April 29, 2012, 05:39:22 AM
in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one
gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it
with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he
told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great
U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out
of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into
the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he
was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and
he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off
the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun
back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we
have so many Americans you never have to drink with the
same one twice.
And you gotta love politicians who make a cock of themselves.
This was a couple of days ago.
Post by: factoryX on April 29, 2012, 05:47:58 AM
Post by: factoryX on April 29, 2012, 06:09:49 AM
Post by: cnrcpla on May 02, 2012, 01:18:33 AM
Post by: SachsGS on May 02, 2012, 03:28:36 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on May 02, 2012, 05:42:42 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on May 02, 2012, 10:32:15 PM
Post by: SachsGS on September 09, 2012, 03:31:00 AM
www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/3194092962.html
How did I know it was Ford? I saw his rig parked in the parking lot.......
www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/3091802234.html
Post by: TMKIWI on September 09, 2012, 04:28:17 AM
Post by: factoryX on September 09, 2012, 03:13:28 PM
Post by: citabjockey on September 09, 2012, 06:05:42 PM
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Could I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line" the woman replied.
Post by: SachsGS on September 27, 2012, 03:39:13 PM
"Where do snowman stash their cash?"
"In snowbanks!".
Post by: Stusmoke on September 28, 2012, 08:12:42 AM
On the topic of stupid things to do with firearms:
half an inch of lead flying out the end of that weapon. This one I've seen a dozen times over and still love watching it. And here is possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen for no apparent reason:
I can't feel my face.... hahahahhaha gets me everytime
Post by: TMKIWI on September 28, 2012, 11:30:54 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on September 28, 2012, 12:12:39 PM
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
I saw a 1 legged man with no arms trying to use the ATM the other day.
He asked me if i could help check his balance, so i pushed him over.
Q;Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hover?
A;The location of the dirt bag!!!
Post by: SachsGS on October 30, 2012, 05:36:34 PM
www.thedailyweird.com/animals/squirrel-in-a-halloween-mask/
Post by: ford832 on October 30, 2012, 10:00:55 PM
I think I'll have a non-alcoholic halloween this year....especially after what happened last year...............
Post by: factoryX on November 02, 2012, 02:52:57 AM
Lol lol lol
Post by: _X_ on November 02, 2012, 03:33:12 AM
Post by: factoryX on November 02, 2012, 04:20:27 AM
Post by: _X_ on November 02, 2012, 12:32:14 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on November 02, 2012, 10:18:20 PM
Post by: factoryX on November 03, 2012, 12:44:57 PM
BIDEN: 'There's Never Been A Day In The Last Four Years I've Been Proud To Be His Vice President, Not One Single Day!'
^ Haven't
Pay attention to your own politics, it could me the difference of you riding and not.
Post by: ford832 on November 03, 2012, 01:37:33 PM
There was this duck standing on the road side looking to cross, a chicken walks up briskly and says "don't do it man you will be hearing about it for ever"
hahaha,that reminds me of the one of the guy that walks up to the horse and says"why the long face?"
How can you not follow US politics Stusmoke?It's a pair of millionaires desperately trying to convince the peasants they're just like them and feel their pain.Too funny.
Post by: citabjockey on November 03, 2012, 03:19:17 PM
How can you not follow US politics Stusmoke?It's a pair of millionaires desperately trying to convince the peasants they're just like them and feel their pain.Too funny.
Post by: _X_ on November 03, 2012, 04:15:04 PM
Post by: ford832 on November 06, 2012, 12:28:31 AM
In 1276 the Arabs invented the condom using the lower intestine of a goat.
In 1822,the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Post by: factoryX on November 06, 2012, 02:10:42 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on November 06, 2012, 06:00:21 AM
Post by: ford832 on November 06, 2012, 10:54:38 PM
Post by: ford832 on November 06, 2012, 10:59:56 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on November 07, 2012, 08:46:46 AM
HAH!
Has anyone else noticed how increasingly dirty this thread became?
Post by: gpnewhouse7 on November 07, 2012, 02:25:33 PM
HAH!
Has anyone else noticed how increasingly dirty this thread became?
The longer they carry on doing something the dirtier they make it, this is internet motocross haha
Post by: Lolerbabop on November 07, 2012, 02:34:57 PM
History of the condom.MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
In 1276 the Arabs invented the condom using the lower intestine of a goat.
In 1822,the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Post by: ford832 on November 07, 2012, 10:28:12 PM
Post by: SachsGS on November 25, 2012, 02:28:38 AM
Post by: factoryX on November 25, 2012, 02:35:23 AM
Post by: _X_ on November 25, 2012, 10:18:19 PM
Post by: ford832 on November 25, 2012, 11:24:06 PM
I hate to say it but Ford has finally snapped........
Hmmmmm,I don't know Sachs.That vid has a distinctly Western Canadian look to it-especially given the apparent lack of appendage.
Post by: SachsGS on November 26, 2012, 03:37:25 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on December 08, 2012, 06:30:24 AM
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did
...she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops...
although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
---------------------------------------------------
A man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband
"You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to the OP shop to get all her clothes back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented
iPod after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan ..
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway..
Post by: TMKIWI on December 08, 2012, 06:33:54 AM
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
in the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'don?t start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Post by: TMKIWI on December 08, 2012, 06:42:35 AM
The Food Bank Program, administered by Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on hand-outs and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today's lesson!
...
The Cardiologist and Mechanic :
---------------------------------------------------------
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
...
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, ?Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
?Maria: ?Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.
?Wife: ?Who said you iron better than me??
Maria: ?Jor huzban he say so.?
Wife: ?Oh yeah??
Maria: ?The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.?
Wife: ?Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me??
Maria: ?Jor hozban did?
Wife increasingly agitated: ?Oh he did, did he??
Maria: ?The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.?
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, ?And did my husband say that as well??
Maria: ?No Señora? The gardener did.?
Wife: ?So how much do you want??
Post by: TMKIWI on December 08, 2012, 06:54:36 AM
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Barak. At first, Obama stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy."
Obama hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Obama shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Michelle baby..."
With that, Obama gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Barak, you "asshole"
The crowd goes absolutely wild.. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Obama is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that. I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that." Noticing the agent has gone totally pale in the face, Obama asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch ."
...
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Post by: TMKIWI on December 08, 2012, 07:10:06 AM
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 10 litres. So
he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 100 litres of milk. Did
you mean 10 litres?"
The blonde said, "I want 100 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurised?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".
...
The first thing that struck me was the stunning beauty of the woman in the car next to me.
The second thing that struck me was my wife's fist
...
Post by: ford832 on December 08, 2012, 02:41:15 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on December 08, 2012, 10:57:48 PM
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
in the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'don?t start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
This is officially my favourite thread on the entire forum. I nearly wet myself with the engineers arguing over who built the human body. Cos its true
Post by: SachsGS on December 14, 2012, 03:34:51 AM
Post by: _X_ on December 15, 2012, 02:00:57 AM
Post by: factoryX on December 15, 2012, 02:05:19 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on December 15, 2012, 08:47:50 AM
I hate you Sachs, will never get that out of my head.
Recorded, uploaded to my phone and put on repeat until I get sick of this rediculously catchy song. I hate you too sachs... Jerk
Post by: scotty dog on December 15, 2012, 12:21:10 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on January 08, 2013, 12:17:32 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on January 08, 2013, 12:28:43 PM
I'm sure the pic is staged, but you can't tell me that some idiot hasn't done that
Post by: Stusmoke on January 08, 2013, 09:58:08 PM
Sometimes I'm ashamed to be part of the human race...
Post by: SachsGS on January 16, 2013, 07:03:48 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on January 19, 2013, 09:11:55 AM
Post by: _X_ on January 19, 2013, 02:10:26 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on January 19, 2013, 04:49:02 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on January 19, 2013, 10:25:50 PM
Post by: SachsGS on January 20, 2013, 02:54:41 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on January 20, 2013, 09:21:28 AM
Post by: scotty dog on January 22, 2013, 09:57:55 PM
That was nasty!! He's lucky the boat anchor didnt land on him!! The rebound screw probably vibrated out!!
Post by: Stusmoke on January 23, 2013, 12:43:27 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on January 23, 2013, 08:31:05 AM
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was in the garage fitting some new grips to his KTM.
His new wife was standing at the doorway,watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally spoke...
"Phil, darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up those noisy bikes.Perhaps you could think about selling it"
Phil looked horrified
"Darling,what's wrong" she asked.
"There for a moment you sounded like my ex-wife" he said.
"EX WIFE!" she gasped... "You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"
"I haven't" he replied
Post by: Stusmoke on January 23, 2013, 11:23:22 AM
Phil decided to marry his long term girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was in the garage fitting some new grips to his KTM.
His new wife was standing at the doorway,watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally spoke...
"Phil, darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up those noisy bikes.Perhaps you could think about selling it"
Phil looked horrified
"Darling,what's wrong" she asked.
"There for a moment you sounded like my ex-wife" he said.
"EX WIFE!" she gasped... "You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"
"I haven't" he replied
Hahahaha. You crack me up where do you get all this stuff?
Post by: TMKIWI on January 24, 2013, 04:15:43 AM
Hahahaha. You crack me up where do you get all this stuff?
The World Wide Web Stu.
Post by: cnrcpla on January 24, 2013, 02:16:30 PM
Post by: citabjockey on March 04, 2013, 04:21:41 PM
Thanks!
Phil decided to marry his long term girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was in the garage fitting some new grips to his KTM.
His new wife was standing at the doorway,watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally spoke...
"Phil, darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up those noisy bikes.Perhaps you could think about selling it"
Phil looked horrified
"Darling,what's wrong" she asked.
"There for a moment you sounded like my ex-wife" he said.
"EX WIFE!" she gasped... "You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"
"I haven't" he replied
Post by: Stusmoke on February 07, 2013, 02:51:58 AM
Post by: _X_ on February 07, 2013, 02:54:19 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on February 07, 2013, 02:55:06 AM
Wanged.
Post by: _X_ on February 07, 2013, 02:59:43 AM
Post by: cnrcpla on February 07, 2013, 04:58:35 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on February 07, 2013, 11:28:12 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on February 08, 2013, 03:35:32 AM
Post by: ford832 on February 20, 2013, 11:55:21 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Z-FWQewRsQs&noredirect=1
Post by: ford832 on March 05, 2013, 12:53:08 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on March 05, 2013, 02:46:01 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on March 05, 2013, 10:59:46 PM
I noticed you didn't put up liar liar footage
Post by: TMKIWI on March 15, 2013, 08:49:21 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back five mins later: "Computer completely f---ed now."
Post by: Stusmoke on March 15, 2013, 09:34:38 AM
What deep thinkers men are.......
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back five mins later: "Computer completely f---ed now."
Lol funny shit mate.
Post by: factoryX on March 17, 2013, 12:15:03 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6AZNb-UpwNU#!
Post by: _X_ on March 17, 2013, 01:57:43 AM
Post by: cnrcpla on March 17, 2013, 02:11:27 AM
Post by: shanes on March 17, 2013, 04:56:21 AM
It is clean and funny.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Post by: Stusmoke on March 18, 2013, 12:55:57 AM
First Time Sex
It is clean and funny.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
A little bit of wee came out with this punch line... I gotta stop reading this thread when I wake up in the morning
Post by: TMKIWI on March 27, 2013, 07:45:06 AM
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your biggest weakness.?
Applicant: Honesty.
Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Applicant: I don't give a shit what you think.
Post by: Stusmoke on March 28, 2013, 02:17:00 AM
Post by: factoryX on April 06, 2013, 11:04:22 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=N3qtpdSQox0
Post by: shanes on April 07, 2013, 03:22:33 AM
so he shouts ,
?Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee?
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan ,
can you be speaking clearer and slower please?
The farmer replies:
" if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Wont.... Spill ....Any"
Post by: _X_ on April 07, 2013, 09:11:36 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on April 09, 2013, 07:50:32 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on April 12, 2013, 04:40:01 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on April 12, 2013, 11:53:28 AM
Post by: _X_ on April 12, 2013, 12:29:26 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on April 12, 2013, 05:45:23 PM
Post by: _X_ on April 12, 2013, 08:01:02 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on April 12, 2013, 08:18:37 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on April 12, 2013, 08:50:47 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on April 12, 2013, 10:15:31 PM
Post by: SachsGS on April 13, 2013, 03:45:29 PM
Post by: shanes on April 14, 2013, 01:34:41 AM
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief said.
In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A black family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members,
lived on the first floor. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats,
all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor,
and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Hispanic gang-bangers and ex-cons
lived on the third floor and they also died.
A white couple lived on the top floor.
They alone survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious when they heard about it.
They flew into L.A. and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know,
why the blacks, Muslims and Hispanics
all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived.
The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."
Post by: factoryX on April 16, 2013, 12:14:51 AM
http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/04/16/us-climate-slowdown-idUSBRE93F0AJ20130416
Post by: eprovenzano on April 18, 2013, 01:57:10 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back.
Post by: citabjockey on April 18, 2013, 09:36:55 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on April 19, 2013, 01:13:18 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on April 19, 2013, 02:03:31 AM
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back.
My chair nearly broke aswell I laughed so hard.
How to find Rocks, steel tent pegs and other assorted solid objects: Drive around in on a lawn mower.
Post by: ford832 on April 19, 2013, 03:11:08 PM
http://www.sunnewsnetwork.ca/sunnews/world/archives/2013/04/20130418-214137.html
And I thought the sheep thing was bad.
Post by: Stusmoke on April 19, 2013, 11:53:22 PM
Post by: cnrcpla on April 20, 2013, 12:08:35 AM
Quote
Caught it out on the water in birthday, totally smashed and got dared? Maybe...You seem to know how these things go down
Something your not telling us Stu?
Post by: Stusmoke on April 20, 2013, 03:54:32 AM
QuoteCaught it out on the water in birthday, totally smashed and got dared? Maybe...You seem to know how these things go down
We all do things we're not proud of....
Post by: cnrcpla on April 20, 2013, 04:35:58 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on April 20, 2013, 06:07:25 AM
What is missing from that story is it was a visiting Aussie.
Post by: Stusmoke on April 20, 2013, 07:45:39 AM
That was pretty funny when it happened, still is.
What is missing from that story is it was a visiting Aussie.
Aussies do whatever they see on TV. I know a guy that did the jackass act where they put a toy car in a condom, and wedged it up their ass. Its kinda the same reason that the most common number in Aussie MX (at least where I am) is 22. Dumb asses
Post by: ford832 on April 20, 2013, 03:59:51 PM
As I recall,she was a visiting Westerner-we sent her back.
Post by: SachsGS on April 20, 2013, 04:57:59 PM
Post by: ford832 on April 20, 2013, 05:31:00 PM
Post by: SachsGS on April 20, 2013, 07:33:46 PM
Post by: ford832 on April 20, 2013, 08:51:23 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on April 21, 2013, 04:40:07 PM
Eric, that one really "smells".
Nothing like a little "clean" humor
Post by: Stusmoke on April 22, 2013, 12:12:28 AM
I knew a girl once who had to go to the hospital to get a frozen wiener out of her front end-well,apparantly,it had been frozen before the end broke off up in there anyway.Explain that-"yeah,I just...er.....um.....sat down on it by accident"
As I recall,she was a visiting Westerner-we sent her back.
If only she had been visiting asia, wouldn't have noticed that a bit broke off at all.
Post by: shanes on April 25, 2013, 02:03:21 PM
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
Post by: rlaj1004 on April 25, 2013, 08:50:18 PM
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl
was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
question,
he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in
our garden."
Honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?
...) On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere
Post by: rlaj1004 on April 25, 2013, 08:53:26 PM
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"
Post by: Stusmoke on April 26, 2013, 05:13:32 AM
Ok one more
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"
Hahahaha.
Post by: vetman on April 28, 2013, 07:51:32 AM
your only hard once
your only laid once
and the only person to sit on your face is your mother
Post by: _X_ on April 30, 2013, 11:36:24 PM
Post by: TMKIWI on May 02, 2013, 09:01:41 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?
Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
A mates missus told him to get some of those pills that help men get an erection
He went to the chemist and when he returned he handed her a bottle of diet pills
The doctor said hes expected to live but will never walk straight or ride a bike again
Post by: Lolerbabop on May 03, 2013, 10:10:02 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on May 05, 2013, 08:33:13 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on May 06, 2013, 06:08:08 PM
Post by: factoryX on May 07, 2013, 08:07:36 AM
Post by: factoryX on May 07, 2013, 08:21:12 AM
Post by: shanes on May 22, 2013, 04:36:26 AM
Post by: eprovenzano on May 22, 2013, 01:05:14 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on May 23, 2013, 07:48:27 AM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so **** off, and wait for a camel."
Hahahaha its funny cos its true.
Post by: Lolerbabop on June 03, 2013, 09:45:59 PM
Post by: gpnewhouse7 on June 16, 2013, 03:50:08 PM
If thats not funny I don't know what is.
Post by: Stusmoke on June 17, 2013, 08:15:06 AM
Post by: gpnewhouse7 on June 17, 2013, 08:48:32 AM
404ed
Looks like they've removed it now but it was an early nineties kx250 with 02- cr 250 radiator shrouds, front mudguard and number board that he was trying to sell as a 2002 cr 250.
Post by: Stusmoke on June 17, 2013, 12:29:41 PM
404ed
Looks like they've removed it now but it was an early nineties kx250 with 02- cr 250 radiator shrouds, front mudguard and number board that he was trying to sell as a 2002 cr 250.
I weep for humanity
Post by: SachsGS on June 17, 2013, 04:31:16 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on June 20, 2013, 02:51:37 PM
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years..'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Post by: eprovenzano on June 20, 2013, 02:52:58 PM
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That?s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Post by: cnrcpla on June 20, 2013, 03:35:19 PM
Post by: _X_ on June 20, 2013, 05:40:31 PM
Post by: riffraff on June 21, 2013, 05:13:36 AM
clip tucked away where cnrcpla?
Where a Jehovah Witness would never look
Post by: citabjockey on June 21, 2013, 05:33:45 AM
Because the light at the end of the tunnel.....
Is new jersey
BTW - Eric, nice ones!
Post by: cnrcpla on June 21, 2013, 07:36:30 AM
Quote
clip tucked away where cnrcpla?
Where a Jehovah Witness would never look
HA! Nah, the stretchy boxer waistband works pretty well
Post by: rlaj1004 on June 21, 2013, 02:36:24 PM
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Post by: rlaj1004 on June 21, 2013, 02:44:10 PM
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, BIKEs, MOTOCROSS or TRACK CONDITIONS or NEW BIKE PARTS
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Post by: Lolerbabop on June 21, 2013, 06:23:46 PM
From the new Wolfenstein: New World Order trailer..
Post by: citabjockey on June 21, 2013, 06:45:36 PM
?the only thought that comes to mind is that red truck in the background needs to drive MUCH faster.
https://vine.co/v/huTwiVVdAMY
From the new Wolfenstein: New World Order trailer..
Post by: riffraff on June 21, 2013, 06:49:30 PM
Post by: _X_ on June 21, 2013, 07:36:32 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on June 21, 2013, 08:42:10 PM
the only thought that comes to mind is that red truck in the background needs to drive MUCH faster.https://vine.co/v/huTwiVVdAMY
From the new Wolfenstein: New World Order trailer..
Why? You don't want it in the picture?
Post by: gpnewhouse7 on June 21, 2013, 10:46:04 PM
britian needs nazis to get rid of their muslem problem. america needs a republican!
Woah, much rather have muslims than nazis over here man.
Post by: _X_ on June 21, 2013, 10:49:43 PM
Post by: gpnewhouse7 on June 22, 2013, 12:02:10 AM
Post by: citabjockey on June 22, 2013, 01:23:14 AM
Ive been to school, college and work with lots of different muslims, never yet known one to gas a jew to death in the shower.
Post by: Lolerbabop on June 22, 2013, 03:42:48 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on June 22, 2013, 08:41:21 AM
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
...
Divorce Letter !!
husband wife and divorce letter
Dear Husband:
I?m writing you this letter to tell you that I?m leaving you for good. I?ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn?t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don?t tell me you love me anymore, you don?t touch me or anything. Either you?re cheating or you don?t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I?m gone.
P.S. If you?re trying to find me, don?t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!!! >>> Your EX-Wife <<<
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It?s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you?ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn?t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was ?You look just like a man!? My mother raised me to not say anything if you can?t say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won?t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don?t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that?s not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
Post by: SachsGS on June 22, 2013, 03:59:57 PM
The Nazi centre for rocket research was initially based in Peenemunde on the Baltic coast in northern Germany (not far from where my father was born). A young scientist involved with this program, a Walter Kaaden, would later take principles involved in the creation of V2 rockets and apply them to 2T engine design at the MZ plant in East Germany. These technologies would later filter out to the West and give us the modern 2T offroad engine.
Post by: Lolerbabop on June 22, 2013, 07:07:34 PM
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is almost like having a chat with my english teacher.. Only he's not an english ****.
Post by: Lolerbabop on June 26, 2013, 12:06:00 AM
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 04, 2013, 08:33:15 PM
Post by: factoryX on July 04, 2013, 08:46:55 PM
HA!
Post by: _X_ on July 04, 2013, 09:01:32 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Trenton
wait until teutshenthal. Ha!
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 05, 2013, 07:17:55 AM
Post by: ford832 on July 09, 2013, 12:48:29 AM
Post by: _X_ on July 09, 2013, 12:54:53 AM
Post by: TMKIWI on July 12, 2013, 11:46:39 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on July 22, 2013, 02:55:08 PM
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 22, 2013, 05:11:59 PM
If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!OR! You've got a really good sense of humour. Either way the joke is ****.
Post by: Stusmoke on July 22, 2013, 09:26:27 PM
BARTENDER JOKE
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!
hahaha fart jokes never get old.
Post by: TMKIWI on July 23, 2013, 08:05:42 AM
If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!
Post by: cnrcpla on July 23, 2013, 05:17:43 PM
http://www.roadandtrack.com/go/news/racing/photos-honda-racing-lawnmower#slide-10
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 23, 2013, 08:05:56 PM
Even this crappy yamaha would beat that honda dumpster.
____________________________________________________________________________________
I thought this was pretty funny.
Post by: Stusmoke on July 23, 2013, 09:41:13 PM
This is the real future of mowercross!! And everyone was worried about electric... 2015 crf450 right here I think.
http://www.roadandtrack.com/go/news/racing/photos-honda-racing-lawnmower#slide-10
And here Emig was thinking these monster 450s couldn't get anymore powerful and awesome
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 24, 2013, 07:51:23 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on July 24, 2013, 11:09:32 AM
Hahahahaha
Post by: _X_ on July 24, 2013, 09:21:43 PM
Post by: rlaj1004 on July 24, 2013, 10:04:48 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on July 24, 2013, 11:37:32 PM
You guys are just wrong, funny but wrong.
I agree but that was funny as hell. And racer That was just plain funny!!!!
I needed a good chuckle
Post by: eprovenzano on July 25, 2013, 03:13:26 PM
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
***
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
***
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
***
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
****
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
***
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
***
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
***
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
***
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
***
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
***
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
+++++++++++
Post by: citabjockey on July 25, 2013, 03:55:48 PM
These are great. Will forward them to the wife right away
*** and that's when the fight WILL start ***
Post by: Stusmoke on July 25, 2013, 09:28:27 PM
Post by: citabjockey on July 26, 2013, 04:32:55 PM
Erics post made me wee a little. It was funny enough to make me actually send the whole post in an email to people I know
Post by: eprovenzano on July 27, 2013, 02:20:15 AM
Eric's posts do tend to do that to folks (make them loose bladder control).
Erics post made me wee a little. It was funny enough to make me actually send the whole post in an email to people I know
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 29, 2013, 02:48:26 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on July 29, 2013, 07:00:07 PM
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some Veet as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a **** snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 29, 2013, 10:21:56 PM
Post by: _X_ on July 29, 2013, 10:25:07 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on July 29, 2013, 10:41:38 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on July 29, 2013, 10:57:15 PM
Nearly pissed myself on all of these.
This one made me cry... warning do not read this around anyone else.... You've been warned
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some Veet as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a ****snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
I had heard it before, but I still cried a little aswell
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 01, 2013, 11:00:41 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on August 02, 2013, 05:34:53 AM
I remember the original bad grandpa, i shat myself laughing. literally.
Post by: TMKIWI on August 02, 2013, 05:51:08 AM
i shat myself laughing. literally.
TMI Stu,
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 03, 2013, 11:03:24 PM
Post by: _X_ on August 03, 2013, 11:13:15 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 03, 2013, 11:34:49 PM
Post by: _X_ on August 03, 2013, 11:40:44 PM
Post by: eprovenzano on August 08, 2013, 03:23:19 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 11, 2013, 12:14:36 AM
Post by: _X_ on August 11, 2013, 09:24:03 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 11, 2013, 10:05:52 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post by: Stusmoke on August 12, 2013, 05:30:29 AM
And that kiddies, is how yo utake a mother down!
Look everyone! Photographic proof that biofuel really does exist! Melt it.
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 12, 2013, 08:22:51 AM
Post by: Stusmoke on August 12, 2013, 09:21:40 AM
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 12, 2013, 09:40:47 AM
Nazis. Burn them.Great idea! Let's burn all americans!
Post by: _X_ on August 12, 2013, 11:05:17 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on August 12, 2013, 11:19:58 PM
PATRIOTS UNITE!!!!
Post by: Stusmoke on August 12, 2013, 11:23:33 PM
Never gets old
Post by: _X_ on August 12, 2013, 11:28:39 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGQaH3-LK54well the democrats we can do with out...F#@K YEAH!
PATRIOTS UNITE!!!!
Post by: cnrcpla on August 12, 2013, 11:31:04 PM
Quote
well the democrats we can do with out...F#@K YEAH!HA
Post by: Stusmoke on August 12, 2013, 11:52:22 PM
Post by: _X_ on August 12, 2013, 11:58:34 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on August 13, 2013, 01:34:56 AM
Post by: cnrcpla on August 13, 2013, 05:02:05 AM
Quote
No more slavery? I dunno I shovel horse **** for $10 an hour and no S.A contributions. Thats coming close...When I was saving up for a car a few years ago I shoveled their sh!t and cleaned those damn things all day for $5 an hour. I also had to deal with the most annoying people ever. Oh and I was payed under the table (obviously, that's way below minimum wage). But that was one of three summer jobs that year and it got me a car
Post by: Stusmoke on August 13, 2013, 05:22:14 AM
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 14, 2013, 05:35:22 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on August 14, 2013, 11:21:50 PM
Looks about right. Particularly the vista one
If I may reference team america: RAM WHORE !@#$ YEAH! DODGEY LOGIC *&^% YEAH! STUPID FEATURES #$%% YEAH! UAC *(&^ YEAH!
Post by: eprovenzano on August 15, 2013, 03:55:36 PM
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch......
Naked...
Post by: eprovenzano on August 15, 2013, 03:58:20 PM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can?t you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
Post by: Stusmoke on August 15, 2013, 09:44:21 PM
The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can?t you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
Hahaaha oh dear. I've got to meet you in person one day.
Post by: rlaj1004 on August 16, 2013, 06:38:02 PM
LMAO, word of advice, bigger stick = lamb chops.
Post by: Stusmoke on August 17, 2013, 04:02:16 AM
LMAO, word of advice, bigger stick = lamb chops.
HAH! I had a similar thing happen to me with the neighbours pet carpet snake that had escaped. It could not have position itself more perfectly in the centre of my trail... dozing in the sun.
Post by: rlaj1004 on August 17, 2013, 05:24:53 PM
HAH! I had a similar thing happen to me with the neighbours pet carpet snake that had escaped. It could not have position itself more perfectly in the centre of my trail... dozing in the sun.
[/quote]
Hahahahaha ..... exactly
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 17, 2013, 07:14:46 PM
Post by: Stusmoke on August 17, 2013, 11:10:36 PM
HAH! I had a similar thing happen to me with the neighbours pet carpet snake that had escaped. It could not have position itself more perfectly in the centre of my trail... dozing in the sun.
Hahahahaha ..... exactly
[/quote]
ITs even worse when your bike doesnt have a kickstand. I had to hold ont othe front fender so it didn't fall over and gently nudge the snake off the path while looking backwwards through my legs... I'm sure the dudes up at nasa were laughing their asses off
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 17, 2013, 11:31:34 PM
Post by: Lolerbabop on August 18, 2013, 10:19:24 PM
"oooh OOOh OOOOOOHH!!! *fap fap fap fap*"
Post by: rlaj1004 on August 19, 2013, 04:28:09 PM
You guys ****ing SUCK at quotes.
You guys ****ing SUCK at quotes.
You guys ****ing SUCK at quotes.
You guys ****ing SUCK at quotes.
You guys ****ing SUCK at quotes.
Better???
Post by: Lolerbabop on March 04, 2013, 04:11:57 PM