Wow, been ages since I last said anything, here's an update of sorts. Much has happened.
May end up getting philosophical, but it's been a while. Buckle up and swig your coffee/beer/mineral water, we're going in.
I began working at the place, mainly brakes, general servicing and sprinkling of electrical work, being in a new business, you are surrounded by how the business is working and that in itself is very good experience, as mentioned before, this was/is all voluntary.
I live with my parents, both of them run their own small business' they each have, things have been very tough and for me, not bringing in money isn't an option. On the side of that, I need to be making money to even be saving for anything whatsoever and just living. My friend who's also at this place, spends the entire week there, he's only 20, he's got a couple of years to muck around for no pay, I don't, I'm 24 this year, I have to be making some money.
Part of me feels ashamed. People from my youth are getting married, dying, excelling, exploring things, competing at the olympics this year, moving away (most have), and I still feel in the position of a teenager in some respects. In some ways that's a bullshit way of thinking, we all live different lives that can't be compared. I'm interested in "Am I doing what I can be capable of?", that's a better focus for me or anyone else.
So for one day a week I've been at the garage, the rest of the week is working at the posh supermarket about 30-40 hours a week. during November to December, I was able to do 3 days garage, 3 days supermarket and maintain some balance.
Money is coming in thankfully. I do customer service. While I stack shelves, operate laser scanning guns and blue-tooth printers I sustain my relative sanity by chatting to the customers who actually like their lives and do problem solving in my head, my future, my family's future, the worlds future, jiujitsu techniques, twostroke saving.
The sleep at one time had me really drained, waking up at 4 am every day of work, I've gotten used to it now after a couple of months, the sleeping pattern has knocked me off of keeping up with some people socially, since I have to hit the deck at 8 every evening to get enough sleep, evenings out just don't happen and I'm on a different clock to everybody else.
I got slightly paranoid after a while that the garage really couldn't be bothered with me anymore, being there one day a week means I miss out a huge amount, then the vibe did get weird, I didn't communicate much with the guys and was quiet around them, braindead fgrom the 4am mornings. Looking back it was because of my projection of it, my own fear of being ousted as not contributing enough. However, it's not the case, the owner's happy to have me there and he told me to come down whenever it works for me and that I can come anytime. When he said that, I felt a huge relief and he was very understanding of my situation. Last week a CR-250 came in for repair, just seeing it lifted my spirits immeasurably.
I want to say "things are tough", but to me that's giving in, and an insult to those starving all around the world or working in slavery.
Here's something to put a spin on things.
Since I was 19/20, I've been training in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. For those who have never heard of it, you could liken it to Olympic wrestling with pairing of Japanese Jiujitsu, either using the traditional suit or simply shorts, it uses many jointlocks, positions and techniques, it is very popular now, used in mixed martial arts and is growing all the time. It's something I get extreme joy out of, I love the rush, the strategy, everything about it.
I was never an athlete, yet, at school, I was a very natural sprinter with little training, and this was noted, in one 100m race, the only person faster was an African girl with very very long legs, she had crazy top speed, I was sheer acceleration and my game was to hold people off till the very end. Once I hit 17, I lost weight and my hormones went turbo, they still are, I put on zero fat and I improve at whatever I do relatively quickly with enough training. Sports and dancing makes me feel alive in a way that very few things do, very very alive, almost addicting.
Since I was 19, I showed alot of promise at Jiujitsu, latin dancing, where I got to advanced groups quickly, and at 21 a return to sprinting in a youth programme where a member of the Olympic team told me "You clearly have a natural element of sport to you". Even in Jiujitsu, people will ask me "have you ever done Judo, your instincts are very good!" (I haven't). "Your balance/instincts are very good" "Have you trained in Japan?" "the dancing...you ave it, you just ave the natural movement" I kept/keep getting comments like this.
As a side note,
For the past 3 years, amongst life, Motorcycle college and everything else, I have only been able to sustain usually 1 or even less sessions a week doing Jiu-jitsu, which itself costs me alot of money and going to it takes up a whole day due to the travel.
For me, there is something tragic here. Can you see it? Let me explain.
I feel that one on hand, based on a lot of evidence and experience, I have a VERY good untapped potential for sports or something physical, If I could make it a full time thing, I could use myself to my full potential. Considering that being "genetically gifted" as the phrase goes, is something not everyone can be, a large part of me feels, "who am I to turn this down/waste this!"
On the other hand I feel that I would lie down on my death bed and think "So I did some sport...But I never worked to save/develop the two stroke/rotary/hoverboard/whatever we have in the future, I never made the supreme effort that could have been my life's work that would bring fun to many people all over the world, I was just a "sports" guy.
There is an equal and opposite reaction to this "Or I could let my health wane, do loads of theoretical analysis in engine labs becoming anal over the stoichiometric ratio, work my way up to becoming an engine designer or R&D for a huge company, make alot more money perhaps..in the hope that one day I'd have enough to make my own creations from scratch..can a designer do this with their position in a company with their salary? hmm. A business owner/entrepeneur perhaps could fund such a thing..But not someone who does the autocad sat in a chair all day at the beck and call of the marketing department"
Also, I could become a great martial artist/dancer and excel in something that In my wildest dreams I never would have thought I could have the will to do, to go from the quiet guy who was never picked at school to the man who takes control and pushes his body to the limit. In the process, developing myself in a very particular way. It needn't stop at sport, perhaps I could even climb everest.
Or. I could do something to change the two stroke engine forever, or come up with a new fuel, or something to get more people having fun with sports vehicles.
Business is something that I've taken an interest to, I've been studying business materials from schoolfriends, reading financial times and learning german in the little spare time I have.
The answers to these questions have been going through my head at 13,500 RPM, every day since the start of 2012. There was a month here or there where I would openly say, I felt very depressed, this affected me alot with my family and friends and I became withdrawn, pushing them away, even at Jiujitsu and at the garage and the supermarket. There have been some times here or there where I sat down and felt "I'm not enjoying life at all, anytime". There have even been times of having chest pains, at random moments of the day, sometimes in the middle of the night, and I feel difficulty breathing.
Amidst all this, I'm extremely grateful to even have a job, the amount of unemployed is no joke.
I feel that there cannot be room for all of this if I'm going to do something to the best of my ability and do something with my life I have to choose just one thing and run with it and never look back.
In clear perspective I have options, realising that makes me feel very very guilty and very very stupid given the circumstances of many others in our world who have nothing..not even food.
This is my situation, these are my thoughts
